The Book: How to Stay on the Bike When You’re Just Starting Out
Sparky’s Condensed List of Important Life Skills
Just like rich chicken soup that simmers on the stove wafting pungent aromas throughout the house, I percolate thoughts in my head regarding psychological lessons I have learned over the past five decades. I am now prepared to offer these condensed products for general consumption.
The principles of good, effective psychological functioning are three in number; please bear with me as I list them in my own highly specialized and technical argot. These principles are:
1. You need to know how to Sass.
2. You need to know how to Diss.
3. You need really good hair.
Let me discuss each of them in turn.
1. Sassing, to me, is a skill in interpersonal relationships. It is the ability to think on the spot and to communicate your insight to the world around you. One small example will suffice. When I am on campus in the UMUC Inn and Conference Center building, there are times when I wait to get on the elevator until some dude with a large amount of computer equipment on a cart rolls off in front of me.
I typically say to the person, with a serious and questioning expression on my face, “Why don’t you just carry a Palm Pilot like everybody else?” The person looks at me with wide eyes and smiles. We have connected and the operation has been a success. This is the way I walk through the world and it brings me enormous satisfaction.
2. The ability to diss is equally important and has to do with the management of conflict. Once again, an example will communicate what I mean. I was driving my granddaughter home from soccer practice through narrow one-way neighborhood streets. I was slow getting away from a traffic light and the car in back of me came around next to me and sped up, trying to jump in front of me.
My first response was to push the accelerator down and speed up in order to prevent this outrageous maneuver from taking place. The idea of speeding down a narrow residential street right next to another car was preposterous and I lifted my foot off the gas. The car in front swooped in front of me with a flourish and we were once again at a red traffic light. The car door opened in front of me and this dude came swaggeringly towards me. I rolled down my window and he said, “You got a problem, buddy?”
Using, of course, the generic fire-drill, I went inside for a brief micro-second, centered myself, and gave him a beatific smile as I slowly shook my head back and forth signifying “No.” He was obviously disconcerted by my answer and searched for his own response in turn.
Noticing my granddaughter in the seat next to me, he said, “Oh, I see you have your granddaughter with you, so do I.” I looked up and noticed that there was indeed a small girl sitting on the seat in the car ahead. My interlocutor then said, “I guess the girls shouldn’t see us acting this way.” At this point, I smiled again and shook my head up and down in assent. That was the end of the incident and I think it represents the ability to diss in a most respectful and positive manner.
Please remember that the traditional role of the warrior is that of protecting the king’s boundaries. When you meet a warrior and are challenged you are given two options: you may fight; or you may dance. Please choose your option carefully as significant consequences will follow either option.
3. Really good hair has to do with positive body image. Simply put, if we like ourselves we have good energy to spare for others.
This ends the list of positive psychological functioning skills. I now have them on a business card and I hand it to startled people who cross my path. Good luck on your perilous voyage, from Sinbad the Sailor.
